Truth 34 November 8, 2014 Home Alone

As I sit here home alone I look around at all of the things I could get done and think back to when the kids were little and how I would have loved to have some time alone to get chores accomplished and yet I cannot move myself from the couch to accomplish anything.  So I wonder what happened to me and then I remember, oh yeah, it’s that invisible illness that I was gifted with over 10 years ago that has stolen my soul and taken over my life in more ways than I wish to admit out loud.  Slowly the tears roll down my cheek and the sadness washes over me, what the hell happened to me.  Gone my mind says, you are  gone.  I want to move, I want to get up and do all the things needed to be done around a home but I am just so tired.  You see, I didn’t sleep well last night or the night before or the night before that or that or that or you could keep going on and on.  My head pounds and my stomach churns and the tears just slowly flow and I hope as they do the sadness will leave my body but I know it won’t.  Yearning for the old me does me no good because all I do is become more frustrated.  Trying to find a new me has me at a loss for I have lost my self esteem along the way and I am so overwhelmed I don’t even know where to begin to look.  So I sit here and type words on a page, hoping something will come to me, pop into my brain and trigger my memory and help me along.  But the tiny voice that speaks out from the back of my brain only says – chin up buttercup, it will come, take baby steps, don’t push yourself.  So I think what should I do first, the wash is now done.  I will finish this and let me OCD kick in and pick things up that are out of place, then gather up the dust rag.  Such a beautiful day outside the window pane, sun shining, trees in beautiful fall colors but I’ll close the drapes to help filter out the bright light for my eyes and my head, I’ll take baby steps around the house for I have all day to myself to pick up.  Maybe along the way I’ll find me, one can only hope.

Truth 12 September 23, 2014 Negativity really isn’t Motivational

When you hear over and over how you can’t accomplish anything or how things are constantly going wrong or how it is implied that you are incompetent at what you are doing, the negativity of it all does not motivate you in any way, shape or form.  In fact, after days, weeks and months of this type of continued behavior, your mind takes the opposite toll and questions itself as to whether it is worth moving forward or not.  Now some feel that being pushed to your limits and being told that you are not capable, motivates one to become better.  This might be true when it is first introduced as a form of motivation.  But when this type of motivation is used day in and day out, for me it didn’t work,  I lost my self esteem.  I no longer felt compelled to move forward but stood still and I  felt lost with nowhere to go and nothing to do.  The negativity that was given to me decreased my sense of worth and I lost my soul and became nothing.  It is in this nothingness I am stuck with my chronic invisible illness, feeling worthless and useless.   How do you respond to repeated negativity in your life?  Is your self esteem high?  How do you go about getting out of a rut that has been dug into you for over a year?

September 11, 2014 Truth 3

September 11th is a day that will never be forgotten.  It is a day that changed many innocent lives.  Let us never forget the sacrifices many have given on this day in their willingness to help others and by the fact that they lost their loved ones for what none of us can understand,  May God bring his blessings on those who were touched.